Have you seen fakefoods? My aunt has them; so does grandma and some other people. They’re just like Mommy’s but they Don’t Make Milk! A guy gets tired with so many people and he figures it’s time for a good nap. Now I like to sleep on the foods. I like it a lot, so maybe I decide to take a nap on a friendly NotMommy. But if I nose around looking for a way to latch, there is a cover in the way and they won’t let me! I keep nosing around before I realize that these fakefoods don’t even smell right. Naturally, I put my head back for a deep WAIL. Fortunately, that tends to make people pass me back to Mommy and the foods. About time, I tell you. I rather think we should outlaw fakefoods though. They are even more of a tease than Daddy’s complete deficiency. (Don’t tell, because I don’t want to gossip, but my Daddy doesn’t have foods. He’s really not that useful for some things.) Fakefoods aren’t functional, and as far as I can tell, they exist just to get one’s expectations up. Anyone with me?
On the other hand, Mommy seems to like putting things in my mouth, because now she’s tried a new thing. First she put her finger in my mouth. I like fingers alright, and I want to keep her happy, so I suck. It Had Flavor! Not like the foods, but a different flavor. (World has multiple flavors? Pardon me while I process that revelation.) I kind of liked it. A few sleeps later though, she gave me the funny green flavor again, but this time she used a curved scoopy thing instead of her finger. Now, I think she’s doing it, because that’s what everyone’s doing. But Daddy’s right, these “spoon” things really aren’t helping me out here. When I stick my tongue out–remember I’ma skilled eater of the foods, I know how to do this– the food slides back down this spoon thing and runs away. Then Mommy takes the stupid contraption out of my mouth and pushes the food back. I try to taste the food and it runs away. Finally Mommy takes the odd-tasting-tease and scrapes some of the food off of it with my gums. Flavors fall on my tongue. Interested I try to suck them, but then some of the flavors slide out of my mouth. Gah! Mommy, if you want me to try this new Flavor thing, can’t you put them back on your finger? For you I will try this odd-tasting-tease stuff, but I’m really sceptical of your technique.
And Daddy, don’t ever try making me use the odd-tasting tease again. I wailed at you last time you tried it, and I’ll wail again. You know better than to make me use “spoon,” and anyway mommies feed. You are missing a set of foods, and whenever you give me something to suck, it comes in a wrongnipple and is usually too cold. I do not trust you to feed me!
On a different note, I finally got through to mommy that putting me in that little pink bed was squishing my neck and offending my sense of self. But now, instead of putting me to sleep in my bed–the one she thinks is hers–she puts me ON THE FLOOR. I’d like to see her go to sleep on the floor. Actually, I would. That would make floor time a lot more fun. So anyway I was peacefully sleeping on the floor like a poor baby who apparently doesn’t deserve a bed and then the streetlights got into my eyes. So I pulled something nearby over my eyes. I’ve learned to do this on purpose, and I’m kind of proud of myself for solving my own problems. But then Mommy moved the nice shade Her only excuse is some guff about not wanting me to smother myself. I was breathing just fine before she woke me up. She’s a slow learner, folks.