My really inconvenient body (Bruce, 5.5 mo)

So, I have decided that a fascination with light is getting rather dangerous for a little guy like me. You see, Momma keeps putting me into a sitting position with my hands helping to prop me up. Now that is rather tiring, so sometimes I just fall over–she catches me, of course–that’s what parents are made for–but usually when I fall it’s because I was looking up. Okay, so I admit that many things are up when you’re my size, but lights–the one in the outside and the ones on the ceiling–are some of the best things that are up high. And honestly, they’re totally worth falling onto Momma about. Does one still see things worth falling over for when one is as big as you?

Speaking of my body, it has been getting on my nerves lately. I keep wanting to roll onto my tummy. But I’m not sure why. For one thing if I don’t  want to kiss the ground, I’ve got to hold my heavy heavy head up constantly. But also, whenever I’m there, I try to move.  Boy, is that a failure. I flail my limbs and get absolutely nowhere. I’ve an overbalanced little body. My head is so heavy that when I lift it up, that tends to lift my feet into the air too. Have you ever tried to crawl while holding a ginormous thing on your neck while at the same time having your legs float into the air? You just try. Go on, I’ll wait. When you can manage to crawl over to me like that, you can tell me that crawling is easy! I’ll be lying here. Okay, no I won’t. For some bizarre reason, I’ll be rolling onto my tummy and desperately trying to crawl again. Help?

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Over I go! (Bruce, 5.5 mo)

Everyone, I rolled! Onto my tummy, on purpose! In fact, I can do it whenever I want. Well, as long as I’m on my back, at least. You just put me on my back, and I’ll roll over and beam. Just wait until I manage that while they are changing me. We’ll see who I catch with that one first Mommy or Daddy.

The only problem with being on my tummy is that then I want to keep on going places. I am a baby on the move! And I really can’t manage to go anywhere. Legs seem to be an on-going issue in my life. I really thought I’d solved them when I made them bounce me everywhere, but when I try to go forward on my tummy, my legs are kind of useless. May have to work on that.

Speaking of which, Mommy raised my bouncer up a bit, so now even a tiny tiny wiggle sends me zooming in the air. Bouncing, higher and better than ever. “MMMMMMM! Ehh vooo! Ehhhh. <hiccup> Reeeee AAH MMM<hiccup>

I didn’t like bouncing yesterday. Well, let’s be frank. I didn’t like much of anything yesterday. I tried to spend the last two days sleeping, because when I tried to breathe sometimes  the air didn’t come properly. It was awful. I would want to sleep, so I went for the foods, and then I couldn’t breathe. Then Mommy (or Daddy, he’s betrayed me too.) would get the monster that goes in my nose and takes my air. Invasive and horribly rude I said. They did not listen.

I’m past that now though. I’m full of strawberry flavored energy, jumping, beaming, and drooling. I grab one hand with each of my hands and each hand puts its catch in my mouth. Usually that means I grab my own hands, but earlier today I caught a hand of Mommy’s and a hand of Daddy’s. Both of them, caught right next to me for teething convenience. It was great!

“MMMMMMMMMM eh vehh”

-Bruce

Boing de BOING de BOING! (Bruce, 5mo)

Everyone, something absolutely wonderful has happened. Now, I hang from the ceiling and I go up and down, up and down! I mentioned before that I thought there might be something like “legs” attached to me. Now, I am absolutely sure I have legs. Mommy puts me in a jumper and suddenly my legs are wonderfully useful. I can stand and see so many things. And whenever I am happy, or excited, or even stressed, my legs flex and I bouncing up into the air. I stop when Mommy talks, but the rest of the time, little pushes make me go wheeee! It is everything wonderful, and life has become twice as worthy of singing about as before. You think I sing when I am out of my jumper? You should hear the way I sing in my jumper! Sometimes I get so tired, but I can’t stand for Mommy to take me out of my jumper. Yes, I’m tired, but I really don’t want to lose my bounce. Speaking of going in and out of my jumper, Mommy really needs to work on her technique. Sometimes she balances me on my tummy while trying to fasten me in. Then I usually throw up all over her. Silly, silly Mommy! Between that and the number of times I bounce the wooden part into her while she fastens me in, I think she’s pretty clumsy, honestly. Don’t tell anyone I said that though, because sometimes she makes sad noises when she gets hurt, and I don’t like that. It makes me sad too.

However, other things are good too. I have really discovered Daddy lately. “Daddy” is the name of the grown-up I see a lot, and I’m getting pretty excited about that. Sometimes he seems a bit puzzled that I think he’s worth craning upside-down to see or that I want him to hold me a lot. But guys, he’s pretty fascinating. On a day that was sometime before today, I hung out with Daddy a lot, and it was really good. Well, until I started teething and needing a change. But before that we saw the outside a lot, and went on a vibrating thing. NOT that horrible kind from before. Mommy-forbid! No, this one had many many people on it, and lots of them smiled at me. I grin at them and talk to them until they look at me full-on. Then I get shy and hide. Oh, and one of them had bright red hair all over his head, on top and beneath. I LOVED IT. I talked to him a lot. Now if I could just figure out how to sleep when there is so much excitement …

I’ve decided that by far the worst thing in my life is when I can’t get something in my mouth. Do you know how often that happens? It’s definitely the single largest cause of woe, evers! Lots of my toys are hard to get into my mouth. How is that fair? Heck, yesterday I wanted Daddy’s finger in my mouth, and he put it somewhere else!

By the way, I think I like spoon foods, but I don’t like that they are harder for me to control than the foods. When I want to eat the foods, I can just find one and suck on it. When mommy is feeding me spoon foods, if she’s too slow, all I can do is complain. And sometimes she takes the spoon out of my hands, if you can believe it! Considering how slow the service is, what on earth am I supposed to do while I wait besides play with the spoon?

Transcriptionist’s note: I try to use the tags to clarify what Bruce is talking about, if I think it might not be clear. So, generally, if you aren’t sure, check the tags below the post.

The WORST day of my life!! (Bruce, exactly 5 months)

So today Mommy, Kathryn, and a Not-Mommy took me out in a vibrating thing. That might have been fun, but they strapped me in tightly, so I couldn’t do much. Mind, I really can’t do much anyway, but being strapped in is offensive! I was being a really good boy though and I put up with it. Things moved by the windows. I watched. After an hour or so, we were somewhere else. Mommy got out and left me with Kathryn and the Not-Mommy. I wasn’t impressed, but  Not-Mommy was nice and Kathryn was still there. Then Mommy still wasn’t back, and my teeth started hurting. I YELLED. Not-Mommy looked surprised and tried to help, but I told her that I wanted Mommy!

Mommy came at some point and she fed me. We went somewhere and I slept. All was very good. Then things took a turn for the sinister. I woke up because Mommy was strapping me back into the trap in the vibrating thing. I wasn’t impressed. I slept and I woke and I was still there. And still there. And I asked for food and Mommy was near me. I could hear her. BUT SHE DIDN’T COME. And she still didn’t come. I cried until I was tired and fell asleep in my infant misery. It was TERRIBLE. And the vibrating thing stopped. Mommy called it a jam. (Is that like Daddy’s sandwich food?) The vibrating was all that was making it even kind of a tiny bit bearable. I screamed again. Mommy kept talking, but since she didn’t come that didn’t help. It made it worse really. After forever and forever, we got out and she got me. Wet fell on my face over and over, and I tried to hide in her. I didn’t like the fat wet falling on me, but it was so much better than the utter misery of before.

I clung to Mommy all the rest of the day. Tightly. Actually, I’ve been getting very good at clinging tightly, actually. I grab everything now and don’t let myself fall. After all, what if if Mommy let go? I figure I’d better be ready. Similarly, when I eat, I try to hook my hands into the foods so that they don’t go away. Mommy is really really unhelpful about that though. She unhooks me every single time and sometimes she even makes loud upset noises as I dig in. That scares me and I scold her for disrupting my meal with noises. Really, you would think she would know better!

Mommy isn’t the only thing to grab though. I grab the hanging colors that Daddy put over the place where they put me down to sleep–the wrong place where they put me when they’re not putting me in our big bed. Sometimes when I pull, the colors come down. Often they move and make noises. I wiggle about that. One time I was lying on our bed and I called for Mommy. Suddenly she was there and she was wearing my carrier with colors hanging on it. I looked from MOMMY!! to the foods to the hanging exciting colors, and all was good. Oh so very good.

Monster gnawings! And my gnawings

I’ve been trying to ignore it, but I think I have a problem. Quite often these days there is a monster in the place where I suck the foods and it’s trying to gnaw its way out. Mommy calls it “teeth” but I just call it horrible. It’s been waking me up trying to claw up out of my mouth. I HATE it and the grown-ups keep taking it for granted. Very upsetting.

And now something else is happening. I don’t know if it’s related or not, but another part of me–the part I breath with when I’m drinking–isn’t always working correctly. Today I wanted to eat, but my breathing place was too full, so I had to breath with my eating place! I was Very upset. I cried for probably a whole minute before Mommy realized jiggling wasn’t helping! (I think she’s just a bit slow; she really does care, I promise.) Anyway though, it gets even worse, if you can believe it. When she realized that something was wrong with my breathing, she found a blue monster and put it IN my breathing place. It was UTTERLY AWFUL!!! The monster sucked up some of my air. I protested as loud as I could, but the monster did it two or maybe three times. When I had gotten over the indignity a little bit, I found I could breathe again, so I had some food. Milk, it’s the stuff of life.

If I can just get through this monster gnawing problem, I will be having a great time with my mouth though. Lately, Mom’s been putting something besides the foods in my mouth. Usually it’s a little bit sweet, and it has lots of flavor. It is really exciting and I grab Mommy’s and help her put in my mouth to hurry her up. I want as much I can eat! Sometimes we miss and get food on my face and my clothes, but I forgive her that because this solid stuff is exciting. Mommy agrees, because she and Daddy have the solid stuff a lot. And usually they don’t share! Their solid stuff smells good but Mommy is greedy about it and eats it all. I ask for food by wiggling and looking at it. I think the parents understand, because Daddy tells me it wouldn’t be good for me. How paternalistic!

Mommy’s being bad! (Bruce, 4.5 mo)

Hey guys, I think mother might be trying to kill me. It’s not just that she walked into a wall last night while holding me–geesh, watch where you’re going, mom!–but now she won’t feed me although I’m asking for food at the top of my lungs! She told me I didn’t want more. That if she did give me more it would hurt.

Umm, I do indeed want more. You hear me asking at the top of my lungs. I’m am right next to the foods and I want to sleep, so give me the foods and I will sleep! By the way, on a completely unrelated note, my tummy is full of gurgles and is squishing me. That makes me want to cry too. If she were a good mommy, she’d solve that too. Either way, I don’t like this world and want to sleep, so give me the foods. Now!

Though, maybe mommy’s not okay. Because on two of the last three nights, in the night when I woke up and  wanted to eat to sleep, mommy said I was full (Maybe YOU are full, don’t speak for me!) and gave me to Daddy. Umm, Mommy, Daddy doesn’t even have the foods. He’s not an appropriate caretaker for a little guy in need of some sleep. Then just to make it worse, when I’m having a real yell about all that, mommy puts some music on. Now how on earth am I supposed to sleep where there is pretty music going on?

Foods, Fakefoods, and Sleeping (Bruce, 4mo)

Have you seen fakefoods? My aunt has them; so does grandma and some other people. They’re just like Mommy’s but they Don’t Make Milk! A guy gets tired with so many people and he figures it’s time for a good nap. Now I like to sleep on the foods. I like it a lot, so maybe I decide to take a nap on a friendly NotMommy. But if I nose around looking for a way to latch, there is a cover in the way and they won’t let me! I keep nosing around before I realize that these fakefoods don’t even smell right. Naturally, I put my head back for a deep WAIL. Fortunately, that tends to make people pass me back to Mommy and the foods. About time, I tell you. I rather think we should outlaw fakefoods though. They are even more of a tease than Daddy’s complete deficiency. (Don’t tell, because I don’t want to gossip, but my Daddy doesn’t have foods. He’s really not that useful for some things.) Fakefoods aren’t functional, and as far as I can tell, they exist just to get one’s expectations up. Anyone with me?

On the other hand, Mommy seems to like putting things in my mouth, because now she’s tried a new thing. First she put her finger in my mouth. I like fingers alright, and I want to keep her happy, so I suck. It Had Flavor! Not like the foods, but a different flavor. (World has multiple flavors? Pardon me while I process that revelation.) I kind of liked it. A few sleeps later though, she gave me the funny green flavor again, but this time she used a curved scoopy thing instead of her finger. Now, I think she’s doing it, because that’s what everyone’s doing. But Daddy’s right, these “spoon” things really aren’t helping me out here. When I stick my tongue out–remember I’ma  skilled eater of the foods, I know how to do this– the food slides back down this spoon thing and runs away. Then Mommy takes the stupid contraption out of my mouth and pushes the food back. I try to taste the food and it runs away. Finally Mommy takes the odd-tasting-tease and scrapes some of the food off of it with my gums. Flavors fall on my tongue. Interested I try to suck them, but then some of the flavors slide out of my mouth. Gah! Mommy, if you want me to try this new Flavor thing, can’t you put them back on your finger?  For you I will try this odd-tasting-tease stuff, but I’m really sceptical of your technique.

And Daddy, don’t ever try making me use the odd-tasting tease again. I wailed at you last time you tried it, and I’ll wail again. You know better than to make me use “spoon,” and anyway mommies feed. You are missing a set of foods, and whenever you give me something to suck, it comes in a wrongnipple and is usually too cold. I do not trust you to feed me!

On a different note, I finally got through to mommy that putting me in that little pink bed was squishing my neck and offending my sense of self. But now, instead of putting me to sleep in my bed–the one she thinks is hers–she puts me ON THE FLOOR. I’d like to see  her go to sleep on the floor. Actually, I would. That would make floor time a lot more fun. So anyway I was peacefully sleeping on the floor like a poor baby who apparently doesn’t deserve a bed and then the streetlights got into my eyes. So I pulled something nearby over my eyes. I’ve learned to do this on purpose, and I’m kind of proud of myself for solving my own problems. But then Mommy moved the nice shade  Her only excuse is some guff about not wanting me to smother myself. I was breathing just fine before she woke me up. She’s a slow learner, folks.

Somewhat patiently,

Bruce